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To a normal human, this means government spending is still increasing, but to Washington, the sequester means “draconian cuts” and is a looming disaster of epic proportions.Panic grips the city, as grim-faced former student council presidents write talking points far into the night.
NASA announces that the latest data sent back by the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter appear to confirm data previously transmitted by the Mars Pathfinder, Mars Surveyor, Mars Wanderer, Mars Trailbreaker, Mars Roamer, Mars Walker, Mars Strider, Mars Meanderer, Mars Stroller, Mars Lunger and Mars Traipser, suggesting that Mars is pretty much covered with rocks.
At the last minute, congressional leaders and the White House reach an agreement under which the government will be able to continue spending spectacular quantities of money that it does not have, thus temporarily averting the very real looming danger that somebody might have to make a decision.
In other Washington news, President Obama is sworn in for a second term at a quiet White House ceremony that, because of an e-mail glitch, Vice President Biden does not find out about until several days later.
(We mean being honest, not smoking crack in a drunken stupor.) (Although really, how much worse would that be?
) But before we look ahead to next year, let’s take one last look back at the fiasco that was 2013, starting with …
Elsewhere in sports, Alabama wins the college football national championship by trouncing Notre Dame, which had been ranked No.
1 by a computer program coincidentally created by the same company that is developing the much-anticipated Obamacare Web site.
Abroad (this actually happened) Iran announces that the Iranian Space Agency has sent a monkey into space aboard the Pishgam rocket and returned it safely to Earth.
Intelligence experts fear the Iranians are developing a much larger, more powerful monkey that could be used to rampage around Tel Aviv knocking down buildings.
In other transportation news, American Airlines and US Airways announce plans to merge into one huge company that will be, according to the official announcement, “the most bankrupt airline in the world.” Abroad, an increasingly belligerent North Korea gets drunk and detonates a small nuclear device.
In the worsening European economic crisis, Spain, Portugal, Ireland and Greece, facing massive debts, are forced to move in with Germany. goes into effect, causing a mild reduction in the rate of increase in government spending that for some inexplicable reason goes unnoticed by pretty much everybody outside the federal government.
In a shocking interview, Lance Armstrong, after years of denial, admits to Oprah Winfrey that he took illegal drugs in all seven of his Tour de France victories, as well as using a motorcycle for certain stages of the race and “occasionally” shooting opponents with poison-tipped darts.