Dating after loss
Dating after loss - headlines for dating sites funny
All of us have romantic predicaments; widows (and widowers) seem to have even more. And if they find another lover, while still loving their late spouse, how can these two lovers reside together in their hearts?For widows, is loving again worth the effort of having to adjust to another person?
Consider the following sincere description (which appears on the site Widow's Voice) by Janine, a widow, about her feelings toward her new lover. I wasn't feeling that my heart would burst from how much love I had for him. How could this love feel the same as my first love? The pain and sadness is greater on the widow's side, not merely because of the terminal nature of the loss, but also because of the greater romantic intensity.The love felt for the late spouse is likely to increase in light of the prevailing idealization of the relationship and of the spouse. Although love for the deceased spouse may increase as times goes by, a certain disengagement from constant occupation with the deceased occurs over time, facilitating attempts to adapt to the new relationship.Although a new love might physically replace the previous one, from a psychological viewpoint, the widow will now love two people at the same time. The connection to the deceased spouse is likely to remain throughout the widow's life, but its nature will undergo many changes.There is ample evidence that this is possible, both in the diachronic sense of loving one person after another and in the synchronic sense of having two lovers at the same time. Their love to two people is more complex given the continuing impact of bereavement, even years after the loss.The widow's ongoing relationship and bond to the deceased remains a central aspect in her life.The end of love is taken to indicate that it was superficial in the first place.
Contrary to this view, love can perish for various reasons that arise from changes in intrinsic or extrinsic circumstances; such changes do not necessarily indicate that the initial love was superficial.
Thus, romantic breakups are often described as a kind of death.
In the words of Dusty Springfield, after such a breakup, "Love seems dead and so unreal, all that's left is loneliness, there's nothing left to feel." Personal relationships without love are also often associated with death.
Her love expresses the nonexclusive nature of love more than it does its replaceable nature. I wasn't experiencing the feelings that I had 27 years ago. The creation of a new loving relationship involves both the capacity to let go and to hold on to the previous relationship, thus creating a new equilibrium (see here).
Thus, one widow writes: "'Second love' is different, but it's very good. It's really hard to understand sometimes how I can go from tears for my late husband into smiling and thinking of my new guy. When C came along and we started dating, it was different. I wasn't feeling that ‘if I don't see him today I think I'll die' emotion. Like other people, a widow yearns for her lover to come back, but unlike others, she knows it is impossible.
And is widowhood the proper time to fall in love again?